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Starved for attention? Do you feel that way sometimes? Well, it’s normal if you’re suffering from trauma, or neglect. The term is often used regarding children. But it’s doesn’t just affect children. If we haven’t received the love and affection we needed as a child we can grow up feeling deep emptiness. Dr. Bruce Perry referred to it as a poverty of relationship at a conference I attended last week. Thousands of children and adults experience a poverty of relationship. Due to this deficit our relationships can be challenging, or non-existent. It may even be difficult to keep a job due to relational conflict in the workplace.
Children need consistent love and care. When they’re not getting what they need it activates the brains stress response system. Due to neglect or trauma this stress response system may have been overused. Some stress is okay. But we’re not made to be under constant stress. When we are it can create emotional problems as we develop. One of these may be experiencing a feeling of poverty in our relationships. This poverty can feel deep emptiness. How do we decrease this pain? By increasing our relationships with one another.
If you’ve experienced trauma, or neglect it may be difficult to trust others. But there is probably one person in your life you believe is trustworthy and safe. That’s all you need, one person. This can be a teacher, doctor, coach, or person you admire. Spending time with a friend, or friend(s) is important. That’s because when we’re enjoying people it affects the pleasure/reward part of our brain. It’s the same with eating potato chips and ice cream. Each of these stimulates the same part of the brain. This is why we grab the chips or ice cream when we’re feeling lonely or upset.
The fatty foods make our brain feel better which affects us emotionally. This is why it’s a hard cycle to break. The worse we feel the more we eat. When we eat we feel better for a few minutes. Then guilt. Then the pain surfaces again. It’s a cycle. Treats are okay, just not in excess. A lot of sugar and fatty foods are not good for our bodies. We may not even be hungry but eat to satisfy the reward/pleasure part of our brain. It’s the same for a glass of wine, or drug. How do you break the cycle? Instead of reaching for the ice cream, or glass of wine call a friend.
When we have fun being with people it stimulates the same part of our brain. Maybe there’s a sports team in your community you want to join. Is there an art, or music class you’re interested in? Do you want to go back to school? Participating in things you enjoy has double benefits. It decreases depression and provides opportunities for building relationships. Finding others that have the same interests as you is a good place to start. Maybe there’s a dog shelter, or food pantry you want to volunteer at. You’ll be building relationships while you’re helping others. We’re made to help others. It makes us feel better.
Looking at the week ahead on make a plan. Who do you want to hang out with and when do you have time for it. Building relationships takes time and effort, but it’s fun. Invite them to have coffee, or go for a walk. Just a 30-minute walk with a friend decreases depression. Exercise and relationship are a great combination for your brain and your heart.
Live richly and call a friend today. The answer is never in the refrigerator. Have a super week.
dlk