15 May 2014
Children and teens that have experienced trauma, or neglect often have feelings of intense anger. Many people suffer with it. Some people yell and scream to release the anger only to feel guilty afterwards for their actions. Working with children I often refer to anger as a big feeling. They immediately get this. Big feelings can be scary. That’s usually because we feel out of control. And very few people like the feeling of not being in control. This is especially true for survivors of abuse and neglect.
The anger can come on so quickly we don’t realize what’s happening. It’s like the anger takes over. We react. We let it have its tantrum. That’s because it can be difficult to rein in. This is because it’s hard to think when we’re angry. The neo cortex of our brains where higher thinking takes place shuts down. It’s located behind our forehead. Anger comes from the primitive part of our brain, the cerebellum. It’s located at the top of our spinal cord just above the back of our necks.
Experiencing trauma can decrease the neural pathways from the cerebellum to the neocortex. This is why it can be hard to think when we’re mad. We just don’t have a road, or neural pathway to get to the neocortex so we can think and calm ourselves down. How do we control our anger instead of our anger controlling us?
Anger is most often considered a secondary emotion. This means anger is the outcome of something deeper. The deeper issue would be the primary emotion. But this is much debated. Some believe anger should be considered a primary emotion since so many people struggle with it. In my book, Holding My Breath – Letters to the Father I Never Met I wrote, “Anger is the bodyguard of our fear.” If you’ve experienced trauma, or neglect you’re probably very hurt and sad. Anger can be sadness turned outward. Hurt can cry out in anger. When we’re feeling vulnerable we can get defensive and angry. That’s because we’re scared of getting hurt again. Anger can be the result of shame, or betrayal. But there’s another side.
Our culture silently says it’s not okay to get angry. We’re not supposed to talk about our feelings of anger. We’re supposed to act like everything’s okay. The truth is human beings get angry. It’s how we demonstrate it that can be problematic. If we don’t allow one another to have feelings of anger it can manifest into bitterness and resentment. Keeping it buried can create emotional and physical problems, like not being able to sleep. Trying to bury anger never works. So how do we demonstrate our anger so we have less of it?
The Bible says:
“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”- Ephesians 4:26, NASB
The Bible supports science here. It’s telling us it’s okay to get angry, just don’t sin. Maybe the sinning piece of it can be things like hitting, screaming, or using excessive amounts of alcohol, or drugs. This verse supports also supports science by directing us to resolve our conflicts, or anger within 24 hours (don’t let the sun go down on your anger). Cortisol releases in our bodies when we get angry. Released repeatedly it can damage our heart and arteries. Expressing anger in healthy ways needs to be okay in our society in order to heal. If angry behavior is allowed to release in positive ways the pressure diminishes. The next time you sense your body’s cues getting upset describe what you’re feeling and then let it go.
Like I said last week, it’s all about relationships. We need people to talk to. Talking with a friend decreases anger. Someone you trust that is safe and caring will listen to what you have to say. If you don’t have a safe person to talk with connecting with a mental health professional is the next step. The counselor, or social worker will validate your anger. If you’ve experienced trauma or neglect you have many reasons for feeling angry. Being allowed to express these big feelings will release the more of the pressure. You’ll be able to see your progress by keeping a monthly chart. You can put a red x for days where you experienced an angry outburst negatively (hitting, alcohol, or drugs). Soon you’ll see there will be fewer and fewer red x’s on your calendar.
In the 7 Steps to Wholeness you’re directed to journal. Writing down how we’re feeling when we’re upset helps remove the problem from inside our heart to outside. Externalizing the problem releases built up pressure. Our bodies give us physical cues to this pressure. These cues let us know when you’re getting upset. Pay attention to these. They’ll help you know to take a breath, stand up and rock back and forth on your legs while standing. The rhythmic motion will help in regulating your emotions. If you can take a walk it’s even better. Our brains love rhythm. Bicycling, swinging, horseback riding and running helps decrease our angry emotions.
There are a couple of treatment models used for survivors of trauma using horses. One that I provide as a mental health professional is called Trauma-Focused Equine Assisted Psychotherapy TM. The rhythm of riding the horse to various tempos of music coupled with problems; like keeping the horse on the wall, or going around barrels in the center of the arena making the number 8 patterns, can help build neural pathways from the cerebellum to the neo cortex. So the next time you’re angry you can tell yourself you don’t have to get angry. It’s all about what we’re telling ourselves.