December 5, 2015
Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. Truth is holiday’s can be stressful. Sexually abused as a child I felt guilty. Guilt and shame kept me quiet. It was easy to fake it for a while. I think I looked and acted normal. Then puberty set in. Rebellion and apathy surfaced. It was like the secrets inside my heart were vomiting. The pain had to come out somehow. Since I couldn’t face the truth with myself, or others I tried escaping. I discovered a lot of emotional escape routes. Tunnels like alcohol. It became my best friend. It was always there. It didn’t talk back. It gave me confidence I didn’t have. False confidence, but I didn’t care. This route is a dangerous one. Just like the illegal substances discovered along the road with drinking. Physiologically, these substances are dangerous because they disarm the alarm part of our brain. That’s why people do crazy things when they’re drunk, or high. The alarm part of your brain is there to alert you to danger. When it’s disarmed you are unprotected. This lead to trouble.
Trouble like, promiscuity, abortions and jail. Through it all I looked fairly successful. Working in Hollywood on big budget movies as a production coordinator I could have passed for normal. But hiding from the truth takes a lot of precious energy. Pain like a mountain buried any hope in my heart. I gave up. Life was just too hard. I couldn’t breath. Cognitive distortions are when people think about situations inaccurately. My biggest distortion is referred to minimization. I minimized the truth. The truth that I was addicted. The truth that I was abandoned by my biological father right after my birth. The truth that I had been sexually abused by people I trusted as a child. It takes courage to look truth in the eyes. I hid. It wasn’t until 31 I caved in to the emotional pain. Ready to end life I cried out to Jesus, and He heard.
He gave me the courage to see a counselor and go to AA meetings. He gave me Hope! Hope that I could do life a different way. My ego and pride laid down. This allowed Him to lead the way. The journey hasn’t always been easy. Change is a slow process. But He’s given me a life more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. He’s real. He’s not just some idea, or story. We’re physical, emotional, social and spiritual beings. Be all you were created for. He loves you. Now I want to help others. His love gave me the idea for F.R.E.E.W.A.Y. – 7 Steps to healing and wholeness. I’ll share about that next time.